Well, that was two hours of my life that I'll never get back. Matt and I just watched "The Box." If you haven't seen it yet, don't bother. What could have been a great story about human greed was instead turned into some bizarre sci-fi-ish, government conspiracy-ish, horrible movie. I could think of about a dozen better ways to waste time.
So I figured out how to change the name of my blog. AND I found a much cuter background/layout. Go me!
We talked about lukewarmness in Sunday School this morning. It had to do with the story of Stephen being stoned. The whole lesson was about making choices and how Stephen could either choose to deny Christ and live or stand by his beliefs and die. Every time I've heard that story, I've kind of thought Stephen had two choices: A or B. But if you think about it, Stephen could have chosen option C, and decided not to preach Christ OR deny him. He could have said "Let's just pretend this never happened, and you'll never hear about it from me again." How much easier would that have been? But that would have totally missed the point. God wants us to either be hot or cold. He says of lukewarm believers that He will spew them out of His mouth. Wow!
I know what God has said about lukewarm believers, but I'm not sure I ever actually thought about what that looks like exactly. And if I'm completely honest with myself, I would have to say that if I was in Stephen's place today, I would probably choose option C. I'm ashamed to admit that.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me lately. I'm feeling kind of in a pit of sorts. There really isn't any reason for it, although in my mind I can go through millions of excuses. I don't remember ever struggling this much spiritually before. I believe it like I always have, I guess I'm just not particularly "on fire" or totally excited about it. I HATE that. It's like having a huge part of you dead.
Scanning over the last paragraph I typed, I might have a hunch about what my problem is. It truly is a "my" problem. I used to be such a dependent person, never wanted to be alone, always wanted help with everything. But over the last year, that has totally changed. It probably has to do with having so many huge life changes in a year. I mean, graduating college, getting married, moving halfway across the country away from everyone and everything I've ever known, starting a new job, and trying to make new friends has the potential to throw even the strongest person into a tailspin. I convinced myself for so many months that I was okay. Life was great, I was totally in control and doing amazing. But I was totally lying to myself. It really is okay to be sad about things, to need an adjustment period to cope with that many changes!
I remember talking to my mom one day and coming to the realization that life in Wichita was going on like normal. Everything stopped for me when I left. Since I didn't have friends, I assumed that none of my Wichita friends had friends anymore either. I spent a lot of time missing my family, so clearly I thought they spent all that time missing me too. I was so lonely, but couldn't admit it to myself. Not to mention my husband. If I admitted I was lonely, I might have to cry for a little while. I might have to admit weakness. (two things I HATE!)
So instead of going to the feet of Jesus with my loneliness, I went inside myself. "Just be strong, be strong, be STRONG" I told myself.
You know what that taught me? The stronger I try to be, the weaker I am. This has turned out to be a really long process of re-learning lessons I've learned before in my spiritual walk. I get discouraged a lot that I can't just snap my fingers and be where I want to be. But I'm getting there, day by day.
So that's what's really on my heart lately. What's on yours?