Self Therapy

Writing is therapeutic for me. Sometimes I hesitate to blog because I often write from a place of extreme emotion (happy, sad, or other) and it can come across as too personal and raw. Occasionally I choose to throw caution to the wind and share what goes on in the deepest parts of my heart and mind because I think that surely there is someone out there who has felt the same way...

When I think about the way I've always pictured my life, I have to admit that it isn't what I always expected that it would be.

There. I said it.

I want to believe that I'm making a difference in the world. Right this moment, if I could, I'd open a battered women's shelter. I'd be a foster parent. I'd run an orphanage in Kenya. I'd feed the homeless and comfort the sick.

The other day I was telling someone about my Bucket List and said that I feel quite certain I'll need about five lifetimes to accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Surely I'm not the only one who feels overwhelmed by things I want to do with my life? Yet in my state of overwhelmed-ness, I'm doing nothing that really matters in the grand scheme of the world. I have a job that I genuinely enjoy. I'm good at what I do, and I truly don't dread going to work in the mornings. But does it make a difference?

Matt and I have been married for over four years now. If you'd asked me while we were engaged what our life would look like in four years, this isn't it. I thought we'd have a house. I thought we'd have kids.

Don't get me wrong, life is great overall. But if I'm completely honest with you I have to admit that I feel a little...disappointed.

There is a growing restlessness in me that I just can't put my finger on. I question things a lot more than I used to. Things like, Am I being the best wife that I could be? Am I the best daughter/sister/auntie that I could be? Do people know that they can count on me? Am I a good friend?

Am I living my life to it's fullest potential today and every day? Or am I missing opportunities in which I could be making a difference left and right? I am caught in a place where I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start and watching it pass me by at the same time.

I don't know how to pull this one together. How to make my point yet wrap it all up with a cute story or comment about how everything in life is rainbows and cupcakes. But you know what? I have to think that it's okay if I don't always have all the answers. It's okay to sometimes feel confused and frustrated.

A coworker gave me a bracelet a couple of weeks ago with a small anchor charm on it. She had no idea what was going on in my life that very week, but I was anticipating some news that could either have been very good or very bad. As soon as I saw the anchor shape of the charm, the first thing that popped in my head was "my anchor holds." No matter what type of news I received, I knew God had a plan and everything would be okay. Over and over those three words rang in my head..."My anchor holds. My anchor holds. My ANCHOR holds."

I ended up getting good news. The news I was hoping for. But you know what? The same three words holds true today in this situation.

I feel a little confused, but my anchor holds.

I'm restless and uncertain, but my anchor holds.

Thank you Jesus for being an anchor that holds!

~SMurph~